1. I do not carry a bottle of Maximum Strength Tums in my purse and have another on my nightstand. I am not secretly having fun trying all the exciting new flavors. Wintergreen is not my new favorite.
2. I could not sit for hours just staring at my belly as it dances with little kicks, punches, and rolls. I do not actually love getting kicked, even if it is on my bladder 90% of the time.
3. I do not find it ironic that total strangers comment that I "look like I could delivery anytime" yet certain nameless others insist that I "don't even look pregnant." Hello! Really?
4. I do not have serious scale anxiety comparable to a 15-mont-old at his checkup. I do not wish I too could cry and thrash my arms when I'm weighed as well. I am not, in fact, doing this on the inside.
5. I do not wake up every 2 hours at night to pee, lie in bed trying to coax myself into waiting a little longer, then grumble and give in to the urge. I am not utterly exhausted all day, everyday.
6. I do not have a perpetual craving for pineapple and skim milk. I am certainly not about to pour myself a glass at 10:25 pm.
7. I do not plan my whole life around childbirth preparation class, prenatal appointments, sonograms, and prenatal yoga. I do not relish all things baby and pregnancy related and look at them as milestones along the way to delivery. I do not rate the appeal of a given week based upon the number of pregnancy-centered things I get to do.
8. I am not totally convinced that my face belongs on a 400-pound woman. I do not think it is undoubtedly the fattest thing on my body, including my 7-months-pregnant-baby belly.
9. I do not routinely give myself pep talks about not buying every cute baby boy item on the shelf by repeating "just wait for your shower--just say no!--you can do it!"
10. I do not want to next 84 days (yes!) to fly by so I can finally meet my son face-to-face!
Obviously, there are a lot of things I'm clearly not doing while I'm pregnant!