I am a
hott mess right now.
Just a mess, really.
I give you, my evening ... everything that did not happen.
When my mom, the boys, and I were at Logan's Roadhouse ... the sweet (thank God) waitress did not bring me the completely wrong dish ... because she certainly did not key in the entire wrong order.
It did not take another 20-25 minutes for my original order to arrive at the table. And, that did not mean that both mom, Jackson, and Oliver were finished eating. My young children were definitely not tired of sitting still by the time I got my food. That would never have translated to me having to take my food in a "doggie bag" having had a dinner consisting of peanuts, rolls, and Diet Coke. Nope!
I did not bribe my 2-year-old that if he sat nicely in the buggy while we shopped around TJ Maxx that he could choose a toy (that would be bad parenting). And naturally, I would never have gone to the toy section first. I did not realize that after being in TJ Maxx for 30 minutes, I still hadn't looked at anything I came in to find. Nah ...
Literally ... as soon as I left the toy section, I did not smell poop. No way - that would have been gross. Overhearing my conversation with mom, a store clerk did not inform me that TJ Maxx did not have a changing table. Nah ... that would have been inconvenient. I did not choose to go into the family fitting room to change Jackson's diaper.
Upon entering the family fitting room, I did not discover that we were dealing the "Poopmageddon." Jackson's diaper certainly did not overflow up his back and under his Mehta cast. There was not poop covering his winter coat, his pants, shirt, cast, legs, and back. Heck no! That would have just been disgusting. It was not such an enormous mess that I had to ask a store clerk for a shopping bag to contain the dirty clothing ... and for disinfectant the clean their dressing room for them.
At check out, I did not place an item on the register to discover that some poop might have been forgotten. It was definitely not funny ... so mom and I did not double over laughing ... nearly in tears. In the hustle and bustle, mom did not look down to find Oliver munching on some "Ferrar Rocher" fine chocolates he had grabbed off the shelf. Since it would have been inappropriate, we did not continue to laugh until our sides hurt. I did not spend at least five minutes wiping down our shopping cart because I certainly didn't discover that is was, likewise, covered in poop.
I did not have to spend over an hour meticulously taking the duck tape and moleskin off of Jackson's cast when we got home and replacing it. Oliver was not screaming the entire time.
And ... after all this (and cleaning the kitchen) ... I did not open my beautiful new bedroom blanket to curl up underneath it with a nice glass of wine ... only to discover that it still had the ink tag attached. Nope! That would never happen to one person in a single night.