Not Me Wednesday [next time, Monday]

My avid readers are probably not familiar with "Not Me Monday." My friend, Lauren, however is a pro, and she has asked that someone else tell everyone what they didn't do while pregnant. So, Lauren, this is for you. Hope everyone finds this post as hilarious as I find yours.

1. I am NOT a Registered Nurse who, despite trying approximately 30 times daily, swears I cannot feel the fundus of my own uterus although I could feel it on any other pregnant woman.

2. I do NOT think it is a mystery of nature how maternity jeans sag in the butt even they they are snug in the thighs and the wearer (i.e.: me) has a huge, ever expanding ghetto booty.

3. I not NOT gag every morning while brushing my teeth and every night when I take my ginormous vanilla flavored prenatal vitamin to the point that I puke up the water I swallowed it with. I would NOT love to meet the man (obviously) who decided to flavor it in a dark alley somewhere.

4. I do NOT eat a cheeseburger Lean Pocket every morning for breakfast. I do NOT lather it in ketchup and wash it down with cranberry juice.

5. I did NOT drink a caffeinated Barq's root beer after 4 months sans caffeine and end up feeling like I had been out clubbing all night. I did NOT have to lie down on an exam table at work for 20 minutes to make the dizziness and nausea stop.

6. I do NOT feel like my own pregnancy is progressing at a snail's pace while all of my pregnant friends were 8 weeks along yesterday and 25 weeks along today. I do NOT look at myself naked in the mirror and think "where in the hell is my baby bump?"

7. My skin does NOT look like I should be nervous about attending my very first homecoming dance next year when I start highschool.

8. I did NOT dream about my husband wearing a yellow hardhat and dancing to the Village People inside of Discovery Zone.

9. I do NOT think my OBGYN's office is incapable of providing me with one piece of correct information. I do NOT think they are delinquent in returning phonecalls, irresponsible with maintaining lab specimens, or incongruent in following protocalls. I am NOT secretly considering driving 3.5 hours to Roanoke to deliver this child at Carilion with Dr. McLennon.

10. I do NOT get frustrated every time I feel my belly rumble only to realize it is, ahem, gas.

Hope you enjoyed hearing about all the things I have not been doing since I became pregnant.